Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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