goodnight i made you a song goodbye
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
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