i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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