Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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