Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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