My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
