Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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