I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
