sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
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We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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