hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
