The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
