1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
