Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Randomize
