What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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