I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
