I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
pray to the hookup gods
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
