im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
