Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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