you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
