I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
