In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Dick very happy bro
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
