she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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