How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
