you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize