So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize