My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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