i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
