I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
So much rum. So many feels.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
