I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
