Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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