You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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