ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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