I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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