Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
