I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
