I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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