whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
