I want to stick my p in your. b.
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
