If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
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Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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