I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
