I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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