Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
