if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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