dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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