1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
