Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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