end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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