So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
