Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
