Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
