Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
