Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
