I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
