I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
