I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you didnt know i had herpes?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
