I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
