Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
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Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
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This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
you made out with another girl for some wings
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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