The maid of honor just puked.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize
