There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize