nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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