Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Randomize
