Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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