half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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