There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
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I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
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Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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