What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize