Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
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My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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