either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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