It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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